Today, I received a valuable addition to my work bench!
I had to do some minor repairs to the water reservoir, but it was FREE!!!! It came with about a hundred filters and a massive jug of Maxwell House. The coffee side of this thing works fantastically now that it's not draining water everywhere... I'll pick up some espresso next time I'm at the store and test that side of it.
So yeah, TLDR I got a new coffeemaker.